Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Eat…
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE