Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.