If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?