ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.