It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.