What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
your honor my client chooses dare
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.