Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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I need to get some bricks…
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
we’re gonna need another temp
socratic questions
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.