I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps: