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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Happy weekend !
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs