The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
You Might Also Like
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“I’m helping” 😅
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you