At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
58.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.