“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
what does he know…
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.