Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
wow
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me