I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
You Might Also Like
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Never let them know your next move 😂
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.