My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
When I snag the last meatball.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him