WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
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i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.