Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars