Mike Tyson’s apartment building
You Might Also Like
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Time for evil
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic