It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.