*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T