A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
You Might Also Like
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Me when my alarm goes off
this is uni
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.