Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
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Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I have never related to anyone more.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.