He is just living hist best little life 😊
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast