Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
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It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️