HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.