Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
You Might Also Like
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain