The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.