A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Ain’t no way
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
IT’S-A ME,
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Breaking news:
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”