cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
*launders Kohls cash*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.