Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
he was correct
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The government even made aliens boring
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
🍞🦆
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.