I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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Trying
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
When your parents check you’re ok.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus