I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Look at this
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.