Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again