my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Is this you?
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*