Bootstraps
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Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I’m crying im so happy for them
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Care for your back
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.