If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’