When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
You Might Also Like
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Bro what is this
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*