adam and eve had first world problems
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.