GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.