*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air