Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
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Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.