What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Yep.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!