I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
You Might Also Like
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Doctors texting each other.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.