In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Battery falling down a hole
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
(after sex)
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I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”