*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.