[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
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“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math