me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
every single time
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
For those that worship cheese..
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me