It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
School be like
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
back to work
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)