The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
is there nothing we can trust anymore