When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
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“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*